31 October 2012

Tough Stuff

Let’s be honest: living with chronic health conditions and disabilities isn’t a walk in the park. The only way this could be a walk in the park is if we’re taking a walk through the park during the zombie apocalypse, we’re all out of ammo, and the raptors from Jurassic Park are on our tail.

It’s not easy constantly monitoring spoons and dealing with regular life on top of it all. I go through taking care of myself burn out. I go through not liking myself at all. I go through thinking about life and death. I go through thinking about being a parent in the future. I go through explaining everything for the millionth time burn out. I go through a lot of crap.

Not to throw a pity party for myself, but it’s not exactly easy over here.

And I need help.

It’s hard asking for help, though. Most people just don’t get it. “It can’t be that hard.” “It’s just a few extra things.”

And yes, it is just a few extra things, but those things look like mountains, especially when depression is added in to the mix, especially when self-doubt is added in to the mix, especially when other medical conditions are added to the mix. And then everything seems like an impossible task and it’s just easier to give up, hide under a blanket, and pretend that the problems aren’t there.

I’ve tried lots of things to help me overcome diabetes burn out, and I think the problem, for me, has always been that the solution is to go from zero management to 100% management instantly. That’s not going to happen, and that’s setting myself up for failure.

I have to start small, and work my way back up. One thing at a time. One foot in front of the other. Step. Step. Step.

Sometimes I slip and fall back in to old habits. Sometimes I go back under the blanket. Sometimes I just have to ignore the world and all the problems. But sometimes I need someone to just tell me that it’s okay to mess up, that it’ll be okay, that I’m not terrible for going back.